|| um someone get me high
There are lots of things I could write about the state of my life currently--most of which would be in self-pity. I started to do that, but it just feels too self-indulgent?
But then again, everyone else does it. And maybe I shouldn't suffer in silence? I mean, my fucking therapist quit. Livejournal, shit. I had this before it was cool to have a livejournal, and I don't abuse it.
My stomach is aching really badly right now, and I do not know why. It may be hunger, or the fact that I went 12 hours without eating and then ate only pizza. I know that I do not feel like eating right now. I have been eating far too much pizza lately. I never thought I would say that, because I love pizza, but unfortunately I worry about my health and weight and fitting into my pants. I have millions of pairs of jeans because my weight fluctuates so much. And I just had to go buy more because of a new weight I've seemed to settle on. jesus christ. well, i guess if you want to borrow clothes, i'll probably have your size, unless you're wicked fat or wicked skinny. "wicked" is such a precise modifier. i won't change my language, i am stubborn about my original dialect. more so when i hear southern accents. that's when i turn the new england up.
My stomach/my weight/jeans are hardly the things which have been bothering me, generally. i've been in a ridiculous depression for the past couple of months, and it's been deepening as time elapses. i cry every day. i think terrible thoughts...i don't like to be left alone in the quiet, sober because my thoughts will just go wild and i panic even more. my mother, if she could drive at night, would have taken me to the hospital on at least one occasion. i really don't know precisely what the problem is. i've been told i'm mentally ill. crazy. batshit. insane. MENTAL. i think maybe my life just isn't fucking fulfilling enough. i'm busy as all hell with school and work but it feels boring and meaningless. i feel bad for feeling so badly when i think about all the shit other people have to go through or have gone through, but then that just makes me sad again. i really wish i had some tangible reason for this, for at least then i could figure out how to solve this problem.
so i've been working a lot (at barnes and noble, which is a job i think i like because i love books), and i'm also taking 5 classes. 2 of those classes require 15 hours each of classroom observation. i'm pretty busy. today i spent the day at land o' lakes high school. the kids seemed nicer than the kids at my high school, but that might just be because i'm 21 and wow that's fucking cool to a high school kid. i think. the school has the most fucking confusing layout, with twisting fucking hallways and multiple buildings and jesus thank god i went to a school with corners. it felt kind of weird being there, training to be those kids' teacher, when i felt like they were so close in age to me. not in maturity, i realized, but i'm not really the most mature person ever. that's kiiind of why i think high school students would like me. at my community college there are high school kids who do dual-enrollment, and i've become friends with a couple of kids who are 17 + 18. they laugh at my jokes, they pay attention to what i say, and one of them said, "YOU'LL MAKE SHAKESPEARE FUN!" i sure hope so! of course, when someone is introduced as your teacher, you have a different impression of that person. i think, though, of my junior year english teacher who reminded me of my cousin who is wicked cool; she was like a bud. but she still taught us really well, i thought.
the thing that pisses me off the most is that nobody seems to think i can be a teacher, or they think i would be a shit teacher, or they think i shouldn't do it. my mom especially. a former teacher, wearied by her 20+ years of middle school special education. that's not really what i want to do. but at work when i tell people i am in school to become a teacher, i can tell they think it's a stupid idea because i'm quiet there and they think i'm stupid. and i was nervous for my first observation, isn't it natural to be shy? the teachers looked at me like, "she'll never make it" one teacher warned me about them ripping me down, and i don't think she would have given that warning to someone who had seemed a little more confident.
i'm just sick of being second-guessed. even if, throughout my teacher education, i feel like i don't want to do it anymore, i feel so stubborn about proving those bitches wrong that i need to do it. then if i hate it i will become a librarian, because i am awesome at my job at the bookstore.
yeah, but big self-esteem boosters. great. fuckers fuckers fuckers.
i have a paper to write for tomorrow morning. i need to write it, but i haven't really slept and my mind feels empty and slow. i feel like going to bed and waking up early to do it, but how often is that a good idea? i just am not in the writing mode right now. when i get in the zone, i can shit out fucking awesome papers. i just can't goddamned think right now, i don't know. fuck, i'm pretty behind in school already. i'm best at procrastinating.