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must be one of the wonders of god's own creation [11 May 2009|12:59pm]
I guess I really do have an emotional attachment to food, whether it comes through deprivation or binging. But right now, I'm fucking eating all I want because I can. Instead of crying, I'm eating.
I actually haven't cried nearly as much as one would think. It's still unreal to me. It was like a horror movie, the way it happened. I know that in a week or so, it will hit me and I will be devastated, even more so. I know it will get worse before it gets better.

I hate how I was in such a crappy mood all the time and I feel like I wasn't nice enough to my mom. She really was my rock--my solid ground on which to stand, my confidant (although I guess she secretly told my secrets...haha).
I remember as a kid going to other kids' houses and meeting their mothers and thinking about how glad I had my mom, the one i had. She was funny, smart, warm and caring, and a million other adjectives. And looking at pictures, she was model-beautiful.
It's really weird in this house without her...I can't wait till I move out.
So anyway, I'll be in New Hampshire for a couple days but most likely will be very busy with family affairs.
3 piles| crap on this

[09 May 2009|04:01am]
[ mood | sad ]

happy mother's day.

2 piles| crap on this

[19 Apr 2009|05:53pm]
[ mood | cold ]

the whole semester i was thinking, "this is an awfully small amount of work to be doing for this many classes"
however, I realized just recently that I probably should have been working on this shit the whole time. now it's all piled up. right now i am working on "what teaching a diverse population means to me" because that is the easiest.
isabel allende is my favorite author, i have decided.
i am the fattest i have ever been, which i guess still isn't that fat. i just get especially self-scrutinizing when i am taking aim on a man. which is really counterproductive to the whole process, because i suppose confidence is important.
i am going to move out of this house this summer. i cannot wait. i tried to take a nap, but it was impossible because of my parents screaming and my dad watching a hockey game on television. he is so hard of hearing that my mother has to yell so he can hear. and then when he responds, he uses the same volume. how can i feel peaceful like this? I spent my morning screaming about how stressed i was and how i couldn't get anything done.
i tried to read my (paper) journal from a couple of years ago, and it was so harrowing that i had to stop. I have come a long way.

1 pile| crap on this

[05 Apr 2009|04:45pm]
i don't know what i'm supposed to do. there's this persistent sadness-
no, more than sadness. i feel completely empty. a piece of trash. i don't understand. sometimes i feel okay, then an hour later everything sinks, and i'm inconsolable.
i can't function
i can't say how i feel or else i'll be locked up, i know it i know it
nothing cheers me up. i feel horrible.
and what's worse, this isn't the first time i've felt like this. this has been always. this is me. i've had a few weeks here and there, but generally, i have been depressed. i always go back to depression. and i try, i try try try to think positively, but fucking a that does not work because in the back of my head and in the bottom of my heart i can tell it's all fake and it feels even worse.

i don't know how i am supposed to live.
i have to work tonight, but i can barely walk or talk or or or or anything
i think i am beyond a psychiatrist's help.
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[02 Apr 2009|07:00pm]
Last night I choked on some nyquil in a desperate attempt to fall asleep, and I coughed so much that I vomited everything I had eaten that day into my garbage can. My throat still hurts even though I had cough drops, water, and put a humidifier in my room.
Last night was a hard night in general. The whole day I was out, at appointments or school or wherever. I got up early, and had class until about 9:30 or so. During class, I was grinding my teeth so hard that I had a terrible headache, and I went to the next class in a terrible mood. I was annoyed by anything anyone said, and wanted to hit people. Finally, I left before the class ended because I felt like it was teaching me things I already know because of my intuition. I walked out, muttering "I'm not fucking stupid" under my breath. Then, when I got home, I complained for an hour to my mother about how much I can't stand people. I was basically screaming. I dropped something, and I almost had a fucking tantrum.
I am out of control sometimes. So anyway, I figured I might as well try and quell my anger with some pills, so I took one that is supposedly like 10x the strength of a klonopin. I still was angry, and there was no way I would fall asleep ever. I tried the nyquil, and that's the rest of the story. I was up watching TV (because I couldn't focus my mind enough to read) until the early morning, when I eventually fell asleep.
So I didn't go to school today, and I don't know whether I am in danger of losing a letter grade in at least one of my classes. Oh well, as long as I pass.
That struggle to sleep as I described above is almost a nightly ritual. I could not sleep for a full night if my life depended on it. And I get into terrible moods. I must be hard to live with.
I do have terrible mood swings. In the morning I am usually in a decent mood, able to get things done. Then later a profound boredom sweeps over my heart which cannot be quenched. Nothing is interesting or fun or good enough. So I pace my house, hoping I'll come up with something to do. I might start something, but quickly abandon it. A paragraph here, two stitches there--it doesn't help me much since there is always so much to do. I am definitely behind in school, although I am every semester, but quickly get everything done before it's due. I have an excellent GPA for being so unproductive.
I don't know the cause of this--there really is no cause; it is just me. it is the crap in my head that i have always lived with and will never get rid of.

I have been a recluse; recently it occurred to me that I am lonely. So I decided to go out one night, and I just couldn't stand it. I can't figure out how to make conversation anymore. It's weird, because I remember a time when interaction came much more naturally. I don't know where that came from, but I miss it. Most of my life, I have been the way I am now. I don't know where that social phase came from, but I want it back.
Once in a while I will remember all of the things that I have to do and I am so overwhelmed. I just want to go to sleep. But I can't! I sort of feel like shit.
I joined a gym, and I think it's helped. I think I get less headaches as a result, and I breathe better. Since I pay for it, I feel like I have to go, and once I get there, I figure I might as well do a lot, so I end up working out for at least an hour when I go. It helps that all the cardio machines have televisions.
If you are looking for something to read, read The House of the Spirits by Isabel Allende. I just finished it, and I couldn't put it down. I had previously read another novel by her, The Infinite Plan, which I also recommend. Come to my bookstore and I will show you where we keep her books. I am awesome at working at the bookstore, i think, because I remember where everything is. I could make an excellent librarian, I think. I have thought about becoming a children's librarian. It's still a possibility, though I feel like if I have the chance to get a master's degree, I want to study linguistics/teaching english as a foreign language.
oh, i feel like everything i do now is so disconnected from that goal of studying linguistics, though in reality it is not. i need to finish this school before i can go to the next. and i should finish this semester, which ends in a month. it will be a long month though, because there is something largish due all the time and i am always rushing to finish things.
One project I did was for my classroom management class; I did a presentation on teaching shy children. it's no secret that i was extremely shy, and still am. one thing i found when i was researching was a tidbit that shy children really do want attention, they are just afraid of it. and i realized that is very true for me. i always envied those who could stand attention, and when i do well, i enjoy attention. i notice how some people are ridiculous in how they seek attention, and how i wish i had the balls to do that.
i ended up doing really well on my presentation. people told me they wouldn't have known i was shy based on my performance, and one man told me i'm a natural public speaker.
i dunno. my posts are always so cheerful. but i guess they're a reflection of me while i'm writing them.
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[02 Mar 2009|02:11pm]
I have such a short attention span. i am diagnosed with adhd, or maybe it's just add (they do make that distinction, i'm pretty sure, and I would never call myself hyperactive), but i'm not sure how seriously i ever took that. but it's really bothering me. when i was a kid, i could sit and read for hours. now i can maybe read a few pages but then i have to do something else. this is extremely inefficient and i have too much to read to continue in this manner. i just went to answer some questions for a class, and i answered one with 250 words and i couldn't sit still long enough to even start the next one.
combine this with my inability to recall words which is rendering my vocabulary feeble, and i feel like i am losing my damn mind.
i was thinking about my anxiety the other night. i can't recall an event which preceded my anxiety in which i fucked up in front of someone and it really embarrassed me. i only can remember times like that once i was already worried. so basically, my anxiety is self-perpetuating--my fuckups make me worry more, but i might not fuck up as much if i didn't worry so much.
waah!
but still, i can tell myself to not worry until i lose my breath, and what the fuck does that do? my mind still follows the same patterns. it doesn't bother me as much anymore; i'm so used to it.
i also realize how i isolate myself...but i really don't feel like talking to people. i think i'm trying to keep myself safe from embarrassing myself, i'm not sure. or because it doesn't come naturally to me, it takes so much effort to be social that it tires me out. but i also feel the part of me that is missing out.
while i am very busy, i am also very bored. i wonder what it would take to excite me.

in other news, i started that twitter shit and the only person i have as my friend is my dad. so if you have it, follow me. www.twitter.com/barfinusa
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[06 Feb 2009|12:24am]
sigh.
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[02 Feb 2009|10:40pm]
[ mood | um someone get me high ]

There are lots of things I could write about the state of my life currently--most of which would be in self-pity. I started to do that, but it just feels too self-indulgent?
But then again, everyone else does it. And maybe I shouldn't suffer in silence? I mean, my fucking therapist quit. Livejournal, shit. I had this before it was cool to have a livejournal, and I don't abuse it.
My stomach is aching really badly right now, and I do not know why. It may be hunger, or the fact that I went 12 hours without eating and then ate only pizza. I know that I do not feel like eating right now. I have been eating far too much pizza lately. I never thought I would say that, because I love pizza, but unfortunately I worry about my health and weight and fitting into my pants. I have millions of pairs of jeans because my weight fluctuates so much. And I just had to go buy more because of a new weight I've seemed to settle on. jesus christ. well, i guess if you want to borrow clothes, i'll probably have your size, unless you're wicked fat or wicked skinny. "wicked" is such a precise modifier. i won't change my language, i am stubborn about my original dialect. more so when i hear southern accents. that's when i turn the new england up.

My stomach/my weight/jeans are hardly the things which have been bothering me, generally. i've been in a ridiculous depression for the past couple of months, and it's been deepening as time elapses. i cry every day. i think terrible thoughts...i don't like to be left alone in the quiet, sober because my thoughts will just go wild and i panic even more. my mother, if she could drive at night, would have taken me to the hospital on at least one occasion. i really don't know precisely what the problem is. i've been told i'm mentally ill. crazy. batshit. insane. MENTAL. i think maybe my life just isn't fucking fulfilling enough. i'm busy as all hell with school and work but it feels boring and meaningless. i feel bad for feeling so badly when i think about all the shit other people have to go through or have gone through, but then that just makes me sad again. i really wish i had some tangible reason for this, for at least then i could figure out how to solve this problem.

so i've been working a lot (at barnes and noble, which is a job i think i like because i love books), and i'm also taking 5 classes. 2 of those classes require 15 hours each of classroom observation. i'm pretty busy. today i spent the day at land o' lakes high school. the kids seemed nicer than the kids at my high school, but that might just be because i'm 21 and wow that's fucking cool to a high school kid. i think. the school has the most fucking confusing layout, with twisting fucking hallways and multiple buildings and jesus thank god i went to a school with corners. it felt kind of weird being there, training to be those kids' teacher, when i felt like they were so close in age to me. not in maturity, i realized, but i'm not really the most mature person ever. that's kiiind of why i think high school students would like me. at my community college there are high school kids who do dual-enrollment, and i've become friends with a couple of kids who are 17 + 18. they laugh at my jokes, they pay attention to what i say, and one of them said, "YOU'LL MAKE SHAKESPEARE FUN!" i sure hope so! of course, when someone is introduced as your teacher, you have a different impression of that person. i think, though, of my junior year english teacher who reminded me of my cousin who is wicked cool; she was like a bud. but she still taught us really well, i thought.
the thing that pisses me off the most is that nobody seems to think i can be a teacher, or they think i would be a shit teacher, or they think i shouldn't do it. my mom especially. a former teacher, wearied by her 20+ years of middle school special education. that's not really what i want to do. but at work when i tell people i am in school to become a teacher, i can tell they think it's a stupid idea because i'm quiet there and they think i'm stupid. and i was nervous for my first observation, isn't it natural to be shy? the teachers looked at me like, "she'll never make it" one teacher warned me about them ripping me down, and i don't think she would have given that warning to someone who had seemed a little more confident.
i'm just sick of being second-guessed. even if, throughout my teacher education, i feel like i don't want to do it anymore, i feel so stubborn about proving those bitches wrong that i need to do it. then if i hate it i will become a librarian, because i am awesome at my job at the bookstore.
yeah, but big self-esteem boosters. great. fuckers fuckers fuckers.
i have a paper to write for tomorrow morning. i need to write it, but i haven't really slept and my mind feels empty and slow. i feel like going to bed and waking up early to do it, but how often is that a good idea? i just am not in the writing mode right now. when i get in the zone, i can shit out fucking awesome papers. i just can't goddamned think right now, i don't know. fuck, i'm pretty behind in school already. i'm best at procrastinating.

crap on this

[27 Dec 2008|04:59am]
i started to write some stuff--really down on myself, like always. but you know, i think the reason my brain is in limbo and i stumble over every word is because i am so hard on myself; i am so nervous about messing up that i give myself no room to succeed. i can see negative patterns, but i have a hard time correcting them.

i accidentally woke up at about 2 am this morning and couldn't fall back asleep. i tried to read, but that proved unsuccessful, so i ate a potato and took a shower and watched "jizz in my pants" (which will be in my head for months, if not longer). so now I smell amazing, and it's 5 am and the time at which i usually wake up for work. isn't that heinous? i don't even get paid that much. it's just barnes and noble. i mean, i like it enough, i like books, but they can't even tell me if i have a job after january. and i get the feeling that my managers think i'm stupid. but if they fired me, i'd be pissed, because my store makes a ton of money and i do my job correctly most of the time. only when the general manager is watching do i get nervous. other managers have seen me do well, though. i don't know why i'm so nervous lately. i used to be such a cool cat.
i'm going to learn how to speed-read so i can read like everything at my store. i hope i can do it before they might fire me. i also want to practice my french. i can already feel the effects of aging on my memory. i feel so old. oh man i hope i can resuscitate my brain before the new semester starts.
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[21 Sep 2008|11:13pm]
there are a lot of things that most 21-year-olds are getting to experience, and for some reason i'm not.
i just do my homework, by myself, lonely lonely lonely. if you won't make out with me at least get me stoned? community college sucks balls. i'm trying to meet people but everyone seems to think i'm weird. it's high school all over again. and i can't find the other weirdos.

i'm sad. i'm a sadsack. people say "snap out of it" but i can't. i try! i do, really hard. there's nothing i want more than to feel normal. but it seems more apparent to me as the years go by that i'll always return to this sad state. because that's been the pattern so far. in geology class we learn about uniformitarianism.

i pretty much don't care about anything at all and have lost interest in everything i have ever enjoyed.
but yeah, i've followed everyone's goddamned advice already.
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i am not free [14 Sep 2008|09:11pm]
[ mood | countless chemicals conflictin ]

i realize that i really portray myself as a sadsack/crazywoman on this thing.
whatever, i guess that's what the fuck i am. thankyougoodnight.
anyway, what i had to say is that i read the first 40 or so pages of a book about a man who becomes nauseated with his life and when i read it i couldn't believe that anyone else felt like that.

crap on this

[15 Jul 2008|09:56pm]
i'm taking an oceanography class right now. before the class started, i looked through the book and got really excited about all the things i would be learning. however, i'm really disappointed in how the class is being taught. the teacher gives powerpoint presentations, which she reads verbatim and expects us to copy directly into our notebook. she also says we don't really need to use the book, just our notes. her english is horrible, she doesn't explain anything (if you ask her a question, she gives a really stupid answer that is either incorrect or just further obfuscates the matter. also, the other day she said that george w. bush gave al gore the nobel peace prize. holy fuck.
i'm not planning on becoming an oceanographer, and she's just an adjunct professor (honestly the only bad teacher i've had at this school), so while i'm disappointed, this doesn't carry dire consequences.
i just really don't want to become like her. i have daydreams of my future, and of course i envision great teaching and learning. but i'm not really the best public speaker, i stumble over words, sometimes i get writer's block which would carry over into my lesson plans, i have a word-retrieval issue sometimes, and insecurities ad infinitum.
i think the fact that i can identify the problems in her teaching means that i have some intuition? i also think i'll be more enthusiastic, since i want to become a teacher while she wanted to be a scientific researcher. and also maybe i'm pretty awesome and that's just how it fucking goes.
i just worry all the time, that's all.
i didn't get the student ambassador job that i thought i had in the bag. my interview went really, really well--i thought it was my best interview ever. she even said on the phone that my interview was great, but there were a lot of great people. i was kinda sad, but whatever, what am i going to do? they only pick 4 out of the whole school. now i can get a job that pays more money and join the economy! i found one that looks pretty good which i am qualified for, i just need to write a resume. because i lost my resume. what? who does that?
i'm really unmotivated to do work for american history. is it that it bores me, or something else? i had some pretty bad days, so my mind is in some other place--i just want to be drunk. i don't know what happened, because i had been feeling pretty well lately and was looking forward to the future and just generally doing well. then i just got really depressed all of a sudden. it was extreme--i couldn't do anything for a day. i didn't want to think, so i just drank. it didn't really make me feel that much better, either. i didn't care, though. there was no reason involved in the process.
i woke up the next day functional, with after-effects of a temper and some weirdness. so i'm fine, really. just--what was that all about? it fucked things up.

if i get things together, i might teach a spanish-speaking lady english at the library. this would probably be really awesome. she lives in land o lakes, and land o lakes doesn't have a literacy program, but she came looking for help from my mom who was helping someone else from lutz, so if she wants, i'll teach her without going through the program. because she lives in the wrong county, she's fucked. but not if i have anything to do with it! this would be really excellent experience. and fun. when i'm trying to read for american history, i'm thinking about different ways i might teach her. okay, why did i ever think i wanted to be a physical therapist? i never daydreamed of that.
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[06 Jul 2008|09:07pm]
this is extremely discouraging. i am trying and trying and trying and getting nowhere.
crap on this

[28 Jun 2008|07:39pm]
Um. How am I supposed so do or be anything this way?

I've had some sort of ridiculous cognitive decline, starting probably at age 18, the worst of which is being seen now. At least, I hope it doesn't get any worse. You, kids, can observe it yourself when you try to talk to me. I stumble over ideas, forget what i'm saying, and i'm generally not clear in communication.

but that's not too new. what's distressing, now, is that i cannot read. well, i can sort of read. i can look at a word and know what that word means. but it's definitely not the same experience as it once was, when i could actually absorb material and when i loved reading. right now, i am trying SO hard to read and i just can't string the words together, or the words that are strung together don't make sense to me.

my mom's theory is that i can't connect my reading to any purpose. for instance, why would i be reading this? what good is it doing me? but i have never been that way. and i know exactly why i'm trying to read, and i want to read. i know exactly what i want to do. i'm trying right now to do research for a paper on second language acquisition, which is pretty much the coolest thing ever. linguistics blows my mind, and i realize that i've loved language since i learned it. i want to do this: http://www.cas.usf.edu/languages/linguistics/masters.html
but i can't if this block doesn't come off of my head.

ennui has set in; it's been there for a while. this is why i cannot read. because i have no desire to do anything at all. my brain has no desire to function. it wants the shortest route through the day, and reading equals functioning equals extra work for my brain.
i realize that my heart has kind of died. i've lost that childlike wonder about the world that i once had; that is essential, i think, to learning and being curious about the world...children are little scientists. when i was young, i had a deep thirst for knowledge.
amazingly, when i arrived in paris, i felt that same awe at the world. i could suddenly read again. it was that freshness, newness, that rejuvenated me, turned me upside-down--i was a kid to paris. i was interested in everything around me; i wanted to know things, do things, and be alive.

now i'm here again. and i can't read. i'm enrolled in three classes. only three, but they are accelerated, and i am about 13 chapters and a research paper behind. how the fuck am i going to do this?
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[11 Jun 2008|02:38pm]
i couldn't sleep last night, no siree. my heart could just not stop pounding, doing that cartoony thing when the heart beats out of the character's chest. i was just trying to figure out my WHOLE ENTIRE LIFE, that's all. why do i think i have to figure it all out now? can't i go with the flow? no!
i made plans yesterday, lots of them. i decided i'd get certified in personal training (i already know all the exercises; i'm like a fucking machine) so i could make a good living while i'm still in school here. then i realized that i'm becoming horribly boring and unintellectual, so i went to the library and took out a book of proust. i almost picked up a boy in the process. if only i were slicker.
anyway, through all of this i've been talking to a friend of my brother's who did an assistant teaching program through the french embassy, and she told me about it and it sounds pretty good to start out with.
i mean,
hold on a sec here--
why did i want to be a physical therapist?
because i didn't know what else to do, and in the states, you could be part of a traveling agency, and i never wanted to settle down. now i've found paris, which i want more than physical therapy, way more, and it works so much differently there.
i've always kind of wanted to be a teacher, too. so why not just be a fucking teacher in france?
the only reason i stuck by the physical therapy thing was my mother. she doesn't want me to be a teacher because that's what she did--she was a special ed teacher and she worked really hard. so every time i mention teaching, she scowls or rolls her eyes and says, "whatever" like a teenager. i really don't appreciate her because i am going to do what i fucking want to do. if i hadn't thought more i would have gone to school for physical therapy and i would have been a physical therapist, and who knows if i would have liked it?--just because of my mother. i'm better off teaching; that's what i want. i'm more nervous about it because it's harder work, but it is more rewarding.

my brain is really convoluted. i cannot read, cannot write. cannot do a thing. i sit for a few minutes, idly, waiting for my brain to respond to stimuli. i think there's something wrong with my reticular activating system. no, i know that there is something wrong with my reticular activating system. i wish i could tell my doctor that and she could do something about it.
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not enough time [21 May 2008|12:25am]
i feel like i'm getting too old too fast. i'm officially a loser. i am going to be finishing my 2-year degree in the same time it's taking most of my friends to finish their hardcore 4-year degrees. and i'm still unsure about whether i'm going to go to USF, UF, st. pete college, or wherever, after i finish this and which degree i'm going to get in physical therapy. first i need to know what they want you to have in paris.
oh yeah, i decided that i'm going to live in paris. no question. i cried on the plane ride home from paris, hysterically, and usually i think i am pretty stoic. i was just panicking today, however, because i need to finish my education in florida, and i want to finish it asap so i can get to paris asap before i get old and crippled. i mean, at least in the next...FOUR years? that's so fucking long. it's ridiculous. by then, there will be a fucking north american union and we'll be spending ameros. i don't know the timeline on that or whether or not that's true.
i've been bored. bored, bored, bored. they say if you're bored, you're boring. sorry guys, i try. i just can't seem to get interested in anything. i attended open mic and even performed which was scary as fuck, i take walks every day and practice my french, i'm sewing a dress, i'm going to join a book discussion at the library, and i like to swim for multiple millions of hours per minute, but i'm still deeply bored by it all. i don't know how a person can't be depressed by this. i feel like i just need boys and weed, which i can't find, and that thought is so fucking depressing. i wish i could just make myself happy.
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dirty fuckin' pigs [17 May 2008|09:21pm]
FUCK THA POLICE

fuck their threats of aggression and threats of unwarranted searches. just because i'm young doesn't mean i don't know my fucking rights, asshole.

(for the record, i had nothing on me and we were doing nothing wrong except swinging in a park after dark, which warrants neither handcuffs nor a search, both of which he threatened to do)
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[15 Apr 2008|08:52am]
Advice: never make the mistake of having skin like mine and neglecting to wear sunscreen and walking from dort to old caples at high noon and going SAILING.
my skin!
last night i walked into the kitchen and bumped into the wall and my dad asked me if i spilled something on my shoulder. it was actually just the shit oozing from a huge blister.

GROSS!

that's all i can think about right now.
actually. i've been doing really well lately. i was about to type, "things have been going pretty smoothly," but then i realized that maybe that's not true. things aren't smooth, but i've been dealing with them exceptionally well, so that means everything's okay.
i had an awesome weekend, too--i got to see some good people. although i realized that i lost any social skills i may have had in the past. did i ever have any?

also, i'm really loving anatomy and physiology, and i'm acing it, which everyone says is hard to do. i used to like my counseling class, but lately i've been irritated by all the yentas in the class...they just fucking tell stories instead of letting her teach. i have to gnaw on gum in there so i don't scream--it looks like i can't become a counselor if extraneous talk bothers me so much.

i'm happy. euphoric, even? whatever it is, i'll take it.
2 piles| crap on this

[30 Mar 2008|10:57pm]
[ mood | wah i'm a baby ]

corri: i am so overwhelmed by this constant stream of fucking nothingness

crap on this

[29 Mar 2008|03:31am]
[ mood | retarded. whoops. ]

if all of you in new hampshire hate the snow so much, you should probably come and visit me here. you can sleep in my bed with me.

compelling offer, i know. you know you can't refuse.


i'm feeling okay, i think. i'm trying to tire myself out so much that i don't have the energy to worry or whatever the hell i do. that's one trick, i s'pose.

on april 29, i get to smell fresh european air! london and paris. i'm going to read a tale of two cities to prepare myself. unless someone can recommend something better?


psst. i want your sex.

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